7 of my favorite songs

                 

7 of my favorite songs

1. Close your eyes by Meghan Trainor -                                            I guess I could waste all my time and my money just trying to look right
   But it doesn't change who I am in my heart if I look like a dime
   
   So I want you to close your eyes
   Sing to the world tonight
   And show them what's beautiful
   I don't care what they think
   No, I'm not listening
   'Cause I know I'm beautiful
   So close your eyes
2. Keeping on with you by This Providence-                               You paint my broken heart

Like some awful piece of art
And I watch my world
As it falls down around
But still I pray
You will come back some day

3.      Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran -    

   My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck

I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now       

4. Paperweight by Joshua Radin

                

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise
To go back to bed

I want to make you laugh      

5. Crash into Me by Dave Matthews Band

           its not really the lyrics that i love theres just a powerful meaning to this song to me 

6. Just a fool by Christina Aguilera -

       Oh, I had my heart set on you

But nothing else hurts like you do

Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And I waited and waited so long

For someone who'll never come home

It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)

I'm just a fool                        

7. Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus-

This song will forever be a gift from my best friend                 

Heartbreak

Do we ever truly heal from a heartbreak?

I mean really do we really ever get over having our heart torn from us, we instill all of our trust in this one person to not crumble us, but then they do. When i awoke this morning,i woke up up from a dream where my ex husband was with me instead of my boyfriend. That he had come home last night and i was gone to the store and when i got back there he was in his uniform waiting for me in the doorway. I dropped everything in my hands and stood there in disbelief. 

For one my ex husband left me right after i had our son 5 yrs ago, and so it was complete shock that he had come back at all. I spent a year and a half wishing he'd come back to me, that he'd show up and say he was sorry for leaving me in the first place, i was very delusional from heartbreak i believe, he never came back. 

Second, it has been really strange every once in a while i dream of him, sometimes its nightmares and sometimes its dreams like the one i had last night, where he comes home and we just lay together and drift to sleep. Last night in my dream he laid down on my bed on top of our covers and we didn't touch, we just talked about our lives and went to sleep, i woke up happy but incredibly sad. So what does that tell me now, that i really haven't gotten over him completely, will i ever is what confuses me..

I miss certain aspects of him, being able to talk about anything and everything,to joke around with each other, just laying on the floor with our kids and playing with blocks or coloring together as a family. His epically long emails he use to send to me even if he was just writing nonsense about his day, i'd love to read them. I don't get that in my relationship now, we don't communicate the same as we once did and i often wonder if its my fault. If i can't completely surrender my past how can i have a better future. 

This plagues me nightly...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness they say is what sets you free when you feel like the past just keeps knocking you down.

In that case i've been hurt by alot of people,and let alot of people beat me down or walk all over me,in my short lifespan so far i've experienced some of the worst types of abuse. I can tell you firsthand keeping it to yourself might seem like a great idea then the only person hurting is you, but its better to get it out tell other people so you yourself can be free of the chains that bind you. 

So here i go taking my own advice....

I forgive  certain members of my family when i was ages 3-15 for sexually abusing me,when we were told continuously that it was normal, that it was called 'experiencing' , there's nothing normal when one of the party doesn't like it. Yall taught me that even though i was naive, it still wasn't my fault.

I forgive a certain family member for hitting me repeatedly when i was 11 yrs old, i forgive you for destroying my trust in men. You taught me that i have a voice and i should always say what i mean.

I forgive my first boyfriend for raping me,who knew that person i loved more than anyone would hurt me so much. I never told anyone i was raped until i was 19,this happened when i was 16.You taught me that sometimes love is blind.

I forgive my second boyfriend for cheating on me continuously, for breaking my heart more times than i can count, you taught me what i shouldn't settle for. 

I forgive my third boyfriend for the mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse, you were the weak one not me, i still stand strong.You taught me no matter how many times someone tries to break your will power, you hold all the power not them. Also once a guy hits you to leave not stay and believe that he'll change.

I forgive my first husband for physically abusing me, you taught me to always carry a frying pan, so the next person who dares to even threaten me to just SWING!

I forgive my second husband for the years of abuse, you beat me down the hardest. You never sexually abused me, you never physically abused me, but you mentally abused me for 9 yrs.

You were my everything, grew up as neighbors, knew each other since childhood. Really thought you would be my last kiss, the last person i ever fell in love with, my best friend.I still remember when you told me no one would ever love a mother of four.....boy were you wrong....

I remember when you told me i could never find someone like you,i'm glad i didn't i'd be in the same exact position as i was with you,and honey i deserve better. You taught me that no matter how much you love someone you can't make them change. 

Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior, Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. - Author Unknown

So how well did i take my own advice well i forgive those who broke me,and found the one who deserves my love.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. He has taught me that i am not worthless, i am wanted, and i am BEAUTIFUL. 

The End.

Our recent family trip

We recently took a family trip to Mt. Cheaha in north Alabama. 

It's actually the highest point in Alabama. My children and I haven't ever seen snow, so my fiancee took us there while we were already visiting his family. 

We went at one of the most beautiful times of the year when the fall foliage starts showing.

The kids really enjoyed this trip, they got to climb up some really big rocks and they went on their own adventure.

I only had my three youngest with me on this trip and wish my oldest two daughters were there we could and would have stayed all day playing on those rocks.

We hope to visit again next month.

Maybe by then there will be snow.

5 ways to win my heart

How to win my heart

1. Southern hospitality- Being able to have manners, the kind of manners where you hold the door open occasionally for me whether i'm entering or exiting a business, or a car/truck. The kind of manners where you respect your elders and care or the young ones. The kind of manners where you use yes ma'am and no sir. If someone is in distress on the side of the road i expect you to pull over and see if you can help i know i would.
2. Fishing- Yup go ahead and laugh but this is a make and break for me, you ain't gotta love it or even like it you just got to enjoy going with me, take a book or something....and if you like fishing got to know how to bait your hook and how to skin a fish
3. Sense of humor-  To the way of my heart is humor, if you can make me laugh,smile,and especially blush you are on a good start to winning my heart.I love to laugh, this is why i watch jackass and ridiculousness....
4. Intelligence- You haven't got to have a heap of it, but some common sense would be awesome. 
5. Dancing-You just have to be willing to dance with me

30 days without facebook

About to start 30 days without facebook tomorrow, and going to play each day through the process.
I joined a group that for their new years' resolutions doing a 30 day challenge each month. That way i don't break any of them or get bored of them.

I'm going to join zumba classes, and art classes, and start working out seriously, just need to tone my stomach, i'm already skinny enough....


Wish me luck

Worst habits

1. Biting my nails- although i quit
2. chewing on non food items...pen lids,bottle lids,etc
3. making tiny promises but never keeping most of them
4. procrastinating
5. believing there is good in everyone

What's in my bag?

What's in my bag?

1. Mail i need to put in the mailbox
2. hair clips,bows,ties
3. crayons
4. paper
5. wallet
6. paper clips
7. bandaids
8. diaper
9. wipes
10. bag
11. matches
12. can opener
13. coins
14. toy car
15. rattle
16. snacks

I have to stay prepared

Pet peeves

Pet Peeves

Never fails every time i have money nothing and i do mean nothing is ever on sale. 

Materialism

Ignorance

Arrogance

Smoking near children

If you rip cardboard near me i'll hit you really hard it is by far my biggest pet peeve

Fears

Fears

Day 5 - What are my fears?

1. I fear i won't stay concentrated on finishing school,and then i won't be giving my all to be the best for my kids.
2. I fear their first heartache,i fear when each one of my kids have their heartbroken.
3. I fear marriage,i've been married twice and i'm just so sure it won't work a third time,i push my boyfriend away because of it.
4. I fear the dark,i have always been afraid.
5. I fear clowns, ever since being made to watch, "It'' at 4, its pretty much terrified me forever.
6. I fear not being able to provide for my family.

Songs i currently love

1. Wrecking ball-miley cyrus ...hated the music video
2. Monster - eminem
3. Someone like you- adele
4. roar- katy perry
5. ho hey- lumineers
6. kiss me - ed sheeran 
7. save tonight- eagle eye cherry

My Favorite quote is....

Day 2
''Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations,our possibilities become endlessly.

Blog Challenge

Since i am way behind i am thirteen posts to do today. I love challenges especially ones where i have to write.I love to write.
Day 1- 20 Facts about Me

1. I use to be a cheerleader,didn't work out too well i didn't want to be thrown in the air by three other thirteen year olds so i bailed on that.
2. I have four extremely smart daughters,and a too intelligent son, they keep me on my toes...literally
3. I had a 4.0 GPA from 9th-12th grade
4. I suck at math 
5. I can't follow directions, you give me a map i'm good but the moment you attempt to verbally tell me where to go i'm like wha???
6. My eye color is amber brown,if you get me really angry you'll see fireballs in them..seriously
7. I am 50% irish,25% french,and 20% cherokee indian
8. I hate tourist season especially spring break.
9.  I have two half sisters, two half brothers, and one adopted brother but I'm the youngest
10. Four out of five of my kids have blue/green eyes. 
11. My five year old is the spitting image of you as a child and has all my spunk god help yall.
12. As you can probably tell i am southern, i have the hospitality and accent of a country girl.
13. I still watch cartoons....but with each passing day Yo Gabba Gabba reminds me of Barney so i'll never like that show.
14. I am a hopeless romantic i want that love story like the notebook 
15. My oldest two brothers are both vets serving the Navy and Marines.
16. I am a giant.....i am 5'11 and wear a size 11 in ladies shoes...Fee Fi Foo Fum
17. I am humorous i believe i like making people laugh
18. I have a rare undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, i have had every test known to mankind and still they don't know what it was
19. During the last child's birth my anesthesiologist did a spinal tap on me,talking about terrifying.
20. I am only 27 yrs old with 5 kids lol 

Welcome to my blog

Happiness

Writing makes me happy,journaling makes me happy, sharing my thoughts and ideas with the world makes me happy, maybe it might relate to someone near or far. 

I am on a journey of finding myself, finding what makes me happy and sticking to it.You should too.

My favorite memory from when i was a child is...

   When i was a little girl,my grandmother use to get me up at the buttcrack of the morning, like seriously cartoons weren't even on. She'd wake my brother up and he'd come get me dressed,and fed, i was 4,he was 17. We'd eat breakfast then get our ham biscuits for lunch and a big gallon of water, and head out the back door. See every morning until my grandmother couldn't go no more she'd take us fishing,we were poor but i never knew it, i never needed anything materialistic and i am still like that to this day. 
She'd tell us never to take life for granted or family. She made me and brother promise to always love and care for each other. 
My favorite memory as a child has got to be fishing with grandma, watching the eagles soar over our heads,and hunt beneath us in the river for fish.

Family was everything for my grandma, its all you could hold to your name and the end of the day she'd say. She was a wise,most loving woman you'd ever meet. She had 13 children, only 5 remain living. My grandma was the best grandma ever.

If i could be a character from a book i'd be

                                                                         Belle

I would seriously be Belle,from Beauty and the Beast. She and I are alot alike,we both love to read,can get utterly lost in a library, might even need our own search parties. I care for my parents,anyone in general i would help a complete stranger. I talk to myself so that can contribute to talking to objects that can't talk right......

I love the sound of....

I love the sound of a good rainstorm,falling asleep to the lighting clashing all around,and the thunder rumbling...Spring rainstorms were always best ones,the downpours,getting caught in the rain, playing in the rain. Pure Happiness

10 rules i have broken

                                                   10 rules i have broken

1. The don't kiss your friend's boyfriend,i did at 14.
2. The don't wear white after labor day, i did which resulted in stain city.
3. The don't go to sleep with gum in your mouth,besides the choking hazard,it got in my hair which resulted in a bad haircut at 5.
4. The never tell your sister you hate her,i did at 9,she was 32,and i didn't want my hair brushed....Tomboy at the time,hated baths.
5. The don't cheat on a test...i did and was caught and had to write a 3 page term paper on why i was sorry at age 11
6. The never lie to cops..or your parents...about vandalizing a house i was 10 and i really didn't vandalize anything i just stood by and was the lookout,we didn't steal anything my friend was mad at a girl who lived there and spray painted her windows and doors with obscenities  and when we were caught i took the fall, had to clean it up and pay the owners all my birthday money.
7. The never drink when your underage...i was 12 and my parents had a party and me and my friend snuck some margaritas and what not....parents found out and made us rake the entire yard free of pine straw...with i think acdc blasting in our ears .....WORST HANGOVER EVER
8. Never ever ever sneak out the house,when your room has the only bathroom in the entire house.....cops were called huge embarrassment
9. Never ever pick a fight with your brothers soon to be wife on the day of their wedding just 5 mins prior to them getting married i was 7....we pulled hair, spit at each other....in a church
10. Never break a promise