7 of my favorite songs

                 

7 of my favorite songs

1. Close your eyes by Meghan Trainor -                                            I guess I could waste all my time and my money just trying to look right
   But it doesn't change who I am in my heart if I look like a dime
   
   So I want you to close your eyes
   Sing to the world tonight
   And show them what's beautiful
   I don't care what they think
   No, I'm not listening
   'Cause I know I'm beautiful
   So close your eyes
2. Keeping on with you by This Providence-                               You paint my broken heart

Like some awful piece of art
And I watch my world
As it falls down around
But still I pray
You will come back some day

3.      Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran -    

   My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck

I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now       

4. Paperweight by Joshua Radin

                

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise
To go back to bed

I want to make you laugh      

5. Crash into Me by Dave Matthews Band

           its not really the lyrics that i love theres just a powerful meaning to this song to me 

6. Just a fool by Christina Aguilera -

       Oh, I had my heart set on you

But nothing else hurts like you do

Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And I waited and waited so long

For someone who'll never come home

It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)

I'm just a fool                        

7. Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus-

This song will forever be a gift from my best friend                 

Heartbreak

Do we ever truly heal from a heartbreak?

I mean really do we really ever get over having our heart torn from us, we instill all of our trust in this one person to not crumble us, but then they do. When i awoke this morning,i woke up up from a dream where my ex husband was with me instead of my boyfriend. That he had come home last night and i was gone to the store and when i got back there he was in his uniform waiting for me in the doorway. I dropped everything in my hands and stood there in disbelief. 

For one my ex husband left me right after i had our son 5 yrs ago, and so it was complete shock that he had come back at all. I spent a year and a half wishing he'd come back to me, that he'd show up and say he was sorry for leaving me in the first place, i was very delusional from heartbreak i believe, he never came back. 

Second, it has been really strange every once in a while i dream of him, sometimes its nightmares and sometimes its dreams like the one i had last night, where he comes home and we just lay together and drift to sleep. Last night in my dream he laid down on my bed on top of our covers and we didn't touch, we just talked about our lives and went to sleep, i woke up happy but incredibly sad. So what does that tell me now, that i really haven't gotten over him completely, will i ever is what confuses me..

I miss certain aspects of him, being able to talk about anything and everything,to joke around with each other, just laying on the floor with our kids and playing with blocks or coloring together as a family. His epically long emails he use to send to me even if he was just writing nonsense about his day, i'd love to read them. I don't get that in my relationship now, we don't communicate the same as we once did and i often wonder if its my fault. If i can't completely surrender my past how can i have a better future. 

This plagues me nightly...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness they say is what sets you free when you feel like the past just keeps knocking you down.

In that case i've been hurt by alot of people,and let alot of people beat me down or walk all over me,in my short lifespan so far i've experienced some of the worst types of abuse. I can tell you firsthand keeping it to yourself might seem like a great idea then the only person hurting is you, but its better to get it out tell other people so you yourself can be free of the chains that bind you. 

So here i go taking my own advice....

I forgive  certain members of my family when i was ages 3-15 for sexually abusing me,when we were told continuously that it was normal, that it was called 'experiencing' , there's nothing normal when one of the party doesn't like it. Yall taught me that even though i was naive, it still wasn't my fault.

I forgive a certain family member for hitting me repeatedly when i was 11 yrs old, i forgive you for destroying my trust in men. You taught me that i have a voice and i should always say what i mean.

I forgive my first boyfriend for raping me,who knew that person i loved more than anyone would hurt me so much. I never told anyone i was raped until i was 19,this happened when i was 16.You taught me that sometimes love is blind.

I forgive my second boyfriend for cheating on me continuously, for breaking my heart more times than i can count, you taught me what i shouldn't settle for. 

I forgive my third boyfriend for the mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse, you were the weak one not me, i still stand strong.You taught me no matter how many times someone tries to break your will power, you hold all the power not them. Also once a guy hits you to leave not stay and believe that he'll change.

I forgive my first husband for physically abusing me, you taught me to always carry a frying pan, so the next person who dares to even threaten me to just SWING!

I forgive my second husband for the years of abuse, you beat me down the hardest. You never sexually abused me, you never physically abused me, but you mentally abused me for 9 yrs.

You were my everything, grew up as neighbors, knew each other since childhood. Really thought you would be my last kiss, the last person i ever fell in love with, my best friend.I still remember when you told me no one would ever love a mother of four.....boy were you wrong....

I remember when you told me i could never find someone like you,i'm glad i didn't i'd be in the same exact position as i was with you,and honey i deserve better. You taught me that no matter how much you love someone you can't make them change. 

Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior, Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. - Author Unknown

So how well did i take my own advice well i forgive those who broke me,and found the one who deserves my love.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. He has taught me that i am not worthless, i am wanted, and i am BEAUTIFUL. 

The End.

Our recent family trip

We recently took a family trip to Mt. Cheaha in north Alabama. 

It's actually the highest point in Alabama. My children and I haven't ever seen snow, so my fiancee took us there while we were already visiting his family. 

We went at one of the most beautiful times of the year when the fall foliage starts showing.

The kids really enjoyed this trip, they got to climb up some really big rocks and they went on their own adventure.

I only had my three youngest with me on this trip and wish my oldest two daughters were there we could and would have stayed all day playing on those rocks.

We hope to visit again next month.

Maybe by then there will be snow.

5 ways to win my heart

How to win my heart

1. Southern hospitality- Being able to have manners, the kind of manners where you hold the door open occasionally for me whether i'm entering or exiting a business, or a car/truck. The kind of manners where you respect your elders and care or the young ones. The kind of manners where you use yes ma'am and no sir. If someone is in distress on the side of the road i expect you to pull over and see if you can help i know i would.
2. Fishing- Yup go ahead and laugh but this is a make and break for me, you ain't gotta love it or even like it you just got to enjoy going with me, take a book or something....and if you like fishing got to know how to bait your hook and how to skin a fish
3. Sense of humor-  To the way of my heart is humor, if you can make me laugh,smile,and especially blush you are on a good start to winning my heart.I love to laugh, this is why i watch jackass and ridiculousness....
4. Intelligence- You haven't got to have a heap of it, but some common sense would be awesome. 
5. Dancing-You just have to be willing to dance with me

30 days without facebook

About to start 30 days without facebook tomorrow, and going to play each day through the process.
I joined a group that for their new years' resolutions doing a 30 day challenge each month. That way i don't break any of them or get bored of them.

I'm going to join zumba classes, and art classes, and start working out seriously, just need to tone my stomach, i'm already skinny enough....


Wish me luck

Worst habits

1. Biting my nails- although i quit
2. chewing on non food items...pen lids,bottle lids,etc
3. making tiny promises but never keeping most of them
4. procrastinating
5. believing there is good in everyone